Chronicle of a psychopath
by Kurokagome
Summary: Based, with authoress premission, upon the ever popular “.HackLegend of the Twilight Angel” and “New World Legend” comes a oneshot about a day in the life of the ever deranged Crimsoncat.


**Disclaimer:** Use your common sense people! I own nothing except my character. Mortal and PKG are owned by MortalSora, and Ryo-oki belongs to sailorstar165. I don't know who Stagmar belongs to but hey, he's **not** mine. All apparent spelling mistakes in conversations with PrettyNpink, Blankphantom, Blackfireblast and other charaters mentionedare intended to portray accents and should be not be considered stupidity, or carelessness. They are quite intentional. All character created in this fan fiction are in no way shape or form intended to portray real life people unless otherwise stated so by their creator. Any resemblance is purely coincidental. .hack/sign is owned by BANDAI, and **not** me.** HUZZAH!**

**Dedicated to my grandfather who always made me laugh. May his soul find peace in the hereafter.**

(Based on the ever-popular "**HackLegend of the Twilight Angel**" and "**New World Legend" **stories.)

_

* * *

Mary Sue is your average perfect teenage cheerleader who likes summer sun, short skirts, short shirts, and dumber them dumb and cuter then cute boys. Her parents died when she was little and now she has raised herself. Poor sweet Mary Sue. She is sweet, polite, tough, cute, funny, horribly attractive, the most popular girl in her rich, high-class school. She had beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes that change color with her emotions not to mention a large double D sized chest, which makes many a man— _

Hehe whoops… Wrong window. I was looking at the next-door neighbor of our favorite hacker. Let me start again, this time from the right perspective. Sorry about that folks.

Twas a disgustingly beautiful Friday morning. The kind that's so sickeningly sweet you want to hurl and then sleep though the day. The sun was high in the sky and the soft summer air blew threw the open window of a teenage girl. She rolled over in her sleep and muttered something about ramen. This sad, pathetic, irresponsible soul is our temporary hero. There's a name for people like this…

But we'll just call her Ame.

She lives next to one: Mary Sue, the nauseatingly perfect b-girl described at the beginning. Of course, being the flawed and inane individual she is, Ame was just the flat chested girl next door to Mary. She was mediocre, **at most**, in sports. She hardly ever left her computer and was obsessed with online games. She spent the remainder of her time watching anime and dreaming of fantasylands. She couldn't cook anything but extra salty ramen and had a hard time with even popcorn. Her sewing skills were lacking so anything she repaired looked like a blind dung beatle had stitched it. Her personality was **highly** defective and bordered on mentally unstable. Therefore, no boys were after her, no one wanted to be like her, and **NO ONE** CALLED HER ON SATURDAY NIGHTS.

And yet, there was another reason for all these things. If an unknown boy were to be unfortunate enough to step on her lawn they would have to deal with the well-trained attack cat. Also, she disconnected the phone on Saturday nights to avoid phone calls from people looking for Mary. However, if people were to stop looking at the conformist hussy that lived next door, and to see our hero for whom she truly was, they would find so much more in her.

They would find a complete and total psychopathic nut.

The alarm clock went of in a wailing tone equivalent to the of a fog horn. Ame rolled out of bed taking the sheets, a pillow and her trained attack cat with her. With a thump she hit the floor and promptly began chewing upon her bolster muttering about ramen. Just then, Ame's mother flew in carrying a brown-bagged lunch.

"Honey? Are you up?" She called dramatically, attempting to yell over the beeping alarm clock. She then stepped on Ame. Ame didn't budge and attempted to roll over. When she found she couldn't turn over she muttered about MORE ramen. Ame's mother shut off the alarm clock and kicked her daughter.

There was no reaction.

"Ame. Get up."

"Hehehe ramen… Hahaha FUZZY TURTLES!"

"AME I SAID GET UP!" Her mother yelled gripping the edge of the blankets. She then roughly tugged them out from under her daughter. Out of the comforter came tumbling one teenage girl, one well-trained attack cat, several pairs of socks (none of which matched), pens, and a box of pocky.

Ame groggily sat up and stared at her mother with half-open eyes.

"How now brown cow?"

"Ame be serious for a minute. Your boss just called and he wants you at work." Her mother exclaimed shoving the lunch into Ame's hands.

"But it's Tuesday!" Ame moaned.

"Ame. It's Friday."

"Don't discriminate. The day shouldn't be labeled if it doesn't want to be. Days are people too you know! " She muttered.

"Your friend Kaito is sick and has to leave work. You're the only one who hasn't come down with the flu."

"That's because I R always sick. I R in the having of a grood immune system!" Ame grinned pointing at herself.

Yes that is **EXACTLY** what she said. Spelling issues included.

"Just get dressed!" Her mother stated in an exasperated tone.

"Okieday nya!" Ame replied with a salute. Her mother left the room and Ame pulled on her normal attire. However, upon stepping outside the door her mother reminded her that she was going to work, not the swimming pool. So Ame went back in and pulled on her other "normal" attire.

This "normal" attire consisted of a short magenta vest that looked like it had seen better days. It was held together with safety pins and thread of the wrong color. She also had a black t-shirt with crimson colored writing that read: "My mind is made up, Don't confuse me with the facts." **1**

Her pants were black cargo jeans and she wore knee high black socks under ebony leather boots that were covered in buckles. She brushed though her nearly-shoulder-length, messy, black hair. The cherry streaks in it realigned themselves after a firm coiffering. She put in a pair of correctional contacts and set a pair of purple cat ears upon her head.

Ame then seized her Son Goku keychain and clipped it to a belt loop of her pants. **2** She then grabbed the lunch and raced downstairs snatching her burgundy wallet with a leather strap along the way. A pink button on it read: "My bishe can kick your bishe's ass."

"Bye mom, bye dad! I'm late for work again!" She yelled racing though the kitchen.

"Bye honey!" Her mother called also rushing out to her car. Her father, it turned out, was already leaving for work and both of the girls were running late. Just like normal. As they sped towards the garage Ame's mother yelled over the wind:

"Ame? Did you shut the door?"

"FUDGE SICKLES!" Ame yelled running backwards towards the house. Ame's mother laughed manically, jumped into her car, and tore off at speeds that are illegal in most countries. Now, Ame was running even later. She sprinted hurriedly towards the garage and grinned at the sight of her mode of transportation. You see, with the exception of Mary Sue, no one had a sweeter ride the Ame. Ame always looked so cool and awesome when she was speeding down the road with her most cherished vehicle.

Her silver and scarlet, non-electric, old school scooter.

Yes, Ame had a kick ass ride. However, Mary had eight scooters, four convertibles, six racing cars, a Viper, a Porsche, a Jaguar, and a Mini-cooper. In fact, Mary had chosen today to drive her brand new Aston Martin. It was a wonderful shade of navy blue to complement her eyes.

"HEY AME!" She yelled. Ame cringed and pretended not to hear her. She prayed to every deity that she could think of in the hopes of avoiding Mary Sue. No such luck. Mary had already taken the liberty of parking her Aston Martin and running over to Ame. She was doomed.

"Ame, my best and dearest friend in the entire world!" Mary cried hugging her. Ame twitched in horror. Mary's oversized…um…attributes were crushing her.

"Mary, the abhorrent whor— I mean… my esteemed neighbor. What brings you over here…? **And when can you leave**."

"Oh dearest Ame. Do you need a ride to work? Nothing in the world would make me happier." Mary exclaimed in her gorgeous voice. Ame's eye twitched even more.

"No, alas, I fear that I am getting a little pudgy and therefore should ride my scooter to wor—"

"I have the most wonderful diet tips! You see in my spare time I'm a famous model so I can help you pick out better clothing. We can go to the mall together and hang out in Abercrombie and Fitch. We cold get you a cute skirt too! Then we could go get our hair and nails done! Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"No not really…SANDWHICHES ARE BEAUTIFUL! I shop at thrift stores."

"Oh Ame your such a joker. Of course you like Abercrombie and Fitch! EVERYBODY loves Abercrombie and Fitch! And nobody shops at thrift stores! They're icky gross gross." She exclaimed shaking her hands and scrunching up her nose in disgust.

Suddenly, two very handsome and charming men pulled up in a fancy car. Ame twitched even more to the point where it looked like she was having a seizure. She was on the ground rolling around.

"MUST NOT KILL FOR STEPPING ON MY PROPERTY. MUST RESIST URGE TO BEAT SENSELESS! **MUST NOT MAUL**!"

"Hello gentlemen. What can I do for you?" Mary asked bouncing up to them.

"We are looking for a Miss Mary Sue. She has to save the world in her cute and graceful style. Then she has a modeling gig in Paris for which she is getting paid lots of money. Then she has to sing and play piano in Carnegie hall and then she must go help poor under-educated children in Africa. Then she is invited to marry a handsome rich millionaire who loves no one but her because her sugary goodness melted his icy heart."

"Again? Oh dear." Mary turned to Ame. "I am sorry Ame. Looks like I won't be able to take you to work."

"MUST NOT KILL!"

"Goodbye my sweetest friend."

"I'm not your fri— MUST NOT DISEMBOWEL."

With that Mary turned into a stunning super hero and jumped into the car with the two handsome men to save the world… Again.

Upon Mary's departure Ame was able to stand and retrieve her scooter. She looked at her watch and noted she was half an hour late for work. Just like normal.

"HOLY LOLLIPOPS BATMAN!" she yelled speeding at a whopping six miles an hour out of her drive way.

Upon arriving at work Ame was greeted by the sight of her friend Kaito sitting on the back entrance to "Anime Paradise", the store she worked at. Kaito had short, spiky, ebony hair with cobalt eyes. He wore a pair of blue cargo jeans and a navy colored wife-beater. His silver earrings were glittering in the sun. He was shivering something fierce.

"Kaito? Are you alright?"

"Fine. Except I'm sick."

"SICK? How can I stalk you if you're sick?" She exclaimed taken aback.

"Sorry, you'll have to stalk me tomorrow."

"But I'm stalking Umeko tomorrow. I can't stalk two people at once!"

"Then why don't you stalk your friend Selena? You know… online. On 'The World'."

Ame suddenly raced over to him and slapped a hand over his mouth. "Shssssh! The sheep are listening!"

"Muer neh mer na mur!"

Ame lifted her hand from his mouth. "What?"

"I said: Muer neh mer na mur. What didn't you hear me?" Kaito questioned.

"Of course I did but I don't understand what that has to do with the octopus." Ame replied.

"But we weren't talking about an octopus. We were talking about sheep."

"Exactly!" Ame replied. Kaito scratched his head.

"**AME SALEM!**" Voice thundered from inside.

"GASP!" Ame cried striking an odd pose and then hiding behind Kaito. "Tis the vampire boss! HIDE ME!"

Kaito glanced behind him at the quaking girl. "He's not a vampire. Mr. Vlad is a very nice man." **4**

"HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Ame spat holding crossing her fingers as Mr. Vlad appeared.

Mr. Vlad was a portly man with black hair and a long face. His eyes were always a blood red color and he despised sunlight. He always wore capes and he had natural fangs. He also refused to eat solid food and always claimed he was on a "liquid diet". He hated mirrors and maintained that it was because he was fat. He told everyone garlic gave him gas. Not to mention random preppy smucks would occasional disappear from the store and be found, drained of blood, about six miles away from it. However, it was not these clues that made Ame think Mr. Vlad was a vampire. Nope.

He hated the way she dressed. He said it wasn't lady like.

**That** is why he was a vampire.

"SALEM! YOU'RE LATE!" Mr. Vlad yelled.

"Yes ma'm."

"AND YOU'RE WEARING THOSE UN-LADY LIKE CLOTHES."

"Yes Ma'm."

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?"

"LOBBERS!" Ame yelled throwing herself against a wall. She then took a step back and ran into the wall again. She repeated this action six times. Kaito stared at her like she was insane, just like normal. Mr. Vlad slapped his face in displeasure, just like normal. Then Ame fell to the ground and passed out.

Just like normal.

"Kaito, drag her in and set her up like she's conscious then you can go home."

"Yes Ma'm." Kaito responded gathering up Ame's limp form.

"**I AM NOT A WOMAN**!" Mr. Vlad howled angrily.

Ame awoke to find herself staring at the glowing computer screen on the front desk. She grinned and quickly signed into the administrator account. Hastily accessing the Internet she put on her head set for online game play. She then accessed 'The World, rapidly typing a backdoor access code while logging in. Her special character appeared like normal.

"Welcome back Crimsoncat. You have 3 messages."

* * *

Re: I aM sO cOoL! 

_Ur So LiKe LaMe. I CaN bEaT u AnY dAy!1111 I aM SoOoO cOoL!11! aNy TiMe AnY wEaR111! –PrettyNpink_

Re: That's what your mom said last night. —Crimsoncat

* * *

Re: Re: Fwd: HAHAHA YOU LOSE! 

_MAKE RAMEN OR I SHALL EAT YOUR SOUL! –Crimsoncat_

_Re: 03-08-05: Your request has been accepted. Ramen has been added to 'The World'. –Administrator_

_Re: HOORAY! –Crimsoncat_

_Re: You brainless hacker! We are searching for you! And when we find you we WILL DELETE your account –Theotheradmin_

Re: You're right. To show you my gratitude I send a gift.—Crimsoncat

**Clipped item/My Documents/one-finger-salute.jpg**

* * *

Re: Trouncing you is assured! 

_Give yourself up hacker! I will delete you! I SHALL DEFEAT YOU! –Stagmar_

Re: MAY FLEMMISH SQUIRELS FEAST UPON YOUR ENTRAILS RULE ENFORCING FOOL! BUWHAHAHAHA!

Regards,

–Crimsoncat

* * *

After finishing with her messages Crimsoncat arrived in Carmina Gadelica. Her character was a long arm with crimson hair and golden eyes. She wore the same short magenta vest with a crimson tank top that said: "L337 M3" on it. She had baggy black pants that went down to her ankles as well. Her special scythe was held close at hand while she walked down the darkened stone road. The shops were bustling as always but the darkness seemed to have lulled the normal dramatic war of sounds that graced the ears of all those present. Customers bought their things and quietly slipped on their way. Various people walked by but took no notice of her. That was until a rather scantly clad twin blade wearing all pink rushed over to her in a rage. 

"lIkE oMg! ThAtS tHe GuRl!111 ThAt HuSsY11!" She shouted.

"Let me guess you're PrettyNpink?" Ame replied using her hands to block the shimmering pink horror that the girl was wearing from her eyesight.

"LiKe yEaH!11 U bRaT!1 I gOt Ur e-MaIl. U LIL WhOr—"

"RAMEN CUPS! GET YOUR RAMEN CUPS HERE!" A vendor shouted.

"YES! ONE PLEASE!" Crimsoncat exclaimed nearly mugging the man.

"HeY! LisTeN To Me!" PrettyNpink shouted. Crimsoncat turned and "accidentally" whapped her with the scythe. PrettyNpink fell to the ground and began to cry. Suddenly a metal grunty ran her over. The rider stopped so that his grunty was standing on her back.

"I think she is dead. CLANG." The grunty remarked.

"Good. One down, only thirty six more to go today and I'll beat my record." The rider returned. He then looked over at Crimsoncat who was laughing like a deranged chicken.**4½** "Hi Crimsoncat. Good to see you again. Why were you standing in the middle of the street?"

"I was trying to find a butterfly so I could take it to a misty lagoon and release it into a heard of rampaging lemmings but killing the annoying one works too. Thanks Mortal!" Crimsoncat called waving to her friend.

"You're welcome." He responded. "Come on PKG let's go."

So, Mortal and PKG left to go find some more players to kill. After finishing her ramen, and gaining some HP, Crimsoncat asked around only to find out dreadful news.

"So you're sure she's at school?"

"c0U1253 1 4M 5U123. 1 g0 70 h3r sch001!" The random guy replied.

"NOOO! HOW CAN I STALK RYO-OKI WHEN SHE'S NOT ON! Oh well. I'm going to go take out my anger on the next high ranked user I see."

And in some weird twist of fate that can only be explained as a pointless plot advance...

"EVERYBODY MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! SOME HIGH UP GUY COMING THOUGH!"

"Hello irrational hostility." Crimsoncat squealed excitedly. She rushed over only to find it was her 'best friend', Stagmar. Crimsoncat immediately lay down on the street and rolled straight towards Stagmar. She slammed into him sending him falling towards the stone ground.

"KYAAA!" He yelled loudly falling flat on his face.

"HI STAGGY MAN!" She shouted in his ear.

"MY NAME IS STAGMAR!" He yelled. That was until he caught sight of Crimsoncat. He then jumped to his feet and stared at her. "The hacker, Crimsoncat? I CAUGHT YOU! FOOL! You are charged with 484,633 accounts of hacking, 217,587 accounts of threatening/abusing/insulting the administrative staff, 392,904 accounts of making other players uncomfortable with themselves, personal hygiene, using public restrooms, eating at fine restaurants, and breathing, and finally 67,501,574 of general tom-foolery and inappropriate remarks about people's mothers. With charges this extensive there is no possible chance of anything but swift deletion. MUWAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHA—"

However, his victory was short lived when Crimsoncat jumped on him piggy back style. She beamed wildly and pulled out a cattle prod that she had recently hacked. "GIDDY UP PONY!"**5**

"What!" He asked, confused.

**_ZAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP_ **

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" He yelled running around. Crimsoncat clung to his back and kicked his side.

"Hi ho silver AWAY!" She yelled tugging on his collar and nearly choking him. He rushed towards the chaos gate. Once she was within range Crimsoncat jumped into it and logged out. On a whim she decided to visit the message board.

* * *

Topic: weird girls abound 

I saw some crazy girl just jump onto some guy's back and get a piggyback ride to a chaos gate. The guy collapsed afterwards. Is that normal? –Tacticalbugboy

* * *

Re: Topic: weird girls abound 

nope there's only one girl that does that. her name is crimson-some-thang-or-other. she's some weirdo hacker. –blackXheartXme

* * *

Re: Topic: weird girls abound 

Yah! I Saw That Too. What A Freak! –angelspirit

* * *

Re: Topic: weird girls abound 

R u kiddn'? "Hi ho silver Away!" Th4t was freakin' sw33t! —Shortstuff200

* * *

Re: Topic: weird girls abound 

BUWAHAHAHAHA NYA! I ♥ SANDWHICHES! XD–Crimsoncat

* * *

Re: Topic: weird girls abound 

Like I Said. What A Freak. – angelspirit

* * *

Re: Topic: weird girls abound 

Shut up angelspirit. No 1 likes U. —teddymaster28

* * *

Upon returning to reality Ame was greeted by the livid face of her boss. He was glaring at her so rigidly that she could feel his red eyes burrowing holes into her head "GECK!" She cried, falling backwards out of her chair in a barrage of limbs. The irate visage followed her all the way down to the floor without so much as a blink. 

"**SALEM!**" He thundered, shaking the dust from the light fixtures.

Ame saluted her boss with one eye still closed. Her crumpled form gave off an involuntary shudder of unadulterated dread. "'Sup?" She offered pleasantly.

"YOU LAZY SLACKER! GET YOUR MINIMAL WAGE ASS OVER TO OUR CUSTOMERS!" He roared, seizing her by the collar and tossing her over the counter. She landed in a heap upon the freezing tiled floor next to the A-F DVD's case. Upon removing herself from the rather uncomfortable results of her recent flight she was greeted by the face of two pimply preteen boys.

"Um… do you have any Yu Yu Hakusho DVDs?" the first one asked.

"Crapafied or uncrapafied?" Ame asked amiably, still lying upon the linoleum.

"What?"

"Do you want the Cartoon network version or the REAL version?"

"There's a difference?"

Ame looked in horror upon the zit-ridden face of the boy. Poor uneducated soul.

"Miss, are you alright?"

"POOR THING!" She cried hugging him. The boy looked absolutely shocked.

"Miss, kindly let me go."

"I WILL SAVE YOU FROM A DUBBER FATE!" Ame declared dramatically, grabbing his arm and dragging him to a large poster, which took up about half the wall. On it were two girls. One looked extremely endearing and bubbly, the other looked depressed and slightly suicidal. The bubbly one was holding an un-edited anime DVD. The depressed girl was holding a Cartoon network/4 kids TV version. The sign read:

_Subbed or dubbed? Edited or unedited? The right thing to do. _

_A subtitled or subbed version of an anime is the ORGINAL UN-CUT JAPANESE version with English subtitles at the bottom. Regarded as the best kind of anime. A dubbed version of anime has NEW ENGLISH voice actors and can be either UN-CUT or CUT. Un-cut dubs are not loved by all but have their share of good points and may help the English speaking watcher to understand a bit more then the subtitled versions where there arejokes only fluent speakers of Japanese would get._

_The CUT version of dubs is pure crap and will not even be discussed because it sucks and needs to die._

**Remember children: ALWAYS GET UN-EDITED ANIME! AND READ YOUR FREAKING AGE WARNINGS!**

"Read and be enlightened!" Ame exclaimed. She then turned back to the selves of manga to make sure nothing had run out. Suddenly, a fuming woman girl stormed in. She was wearing a large button that said: "Save the souls off our children, stop the anime MENACE!"

"YOU! GIRL! Where is your manager?" She demanded. Ame pointed towards Mr. Vlad's office. The woman stormed in raving about how all children who read and watched "The filth you sell" were going to die early and live a painful, unsuccessful and horrid life. Mr. Vlad responded by runnning out, massaging his head, and slamming the door behind him. Ame could hear the pounding upon the door, and delirious shrieking not unlike that of a madcap drunk.

"Arg, Capn'! That be a monster of a fish you be a have'n there. Wan' me to roun' up the crew an' harpoon the whale?" She asked with a sailor accent holding up a long stick with a pointed metal tip.

"Screw the crew. Get the rope." Mr. Vlad exclaimed, desperately trying to hold back the door.

"Righty o'!" Ame yelled sprinting into the staff lounge. She pulled a set of thick cords and some duck tape from the back room. She ran back out and presented them to Mr. Vlad. He promptly opened the door and ran inside. A series of loud thumps and bangs could be heard before Mr. Vlad returned pushing a rolling chair. Sitting on the chair was a frazzled looking woman tied up with rope and gagged with duck tape.

"Salem, I trust you know what to do?" Mr. Vlad asked, shoving the rolling chair in her direction.

"ARG! IT BE TIME TO WALK THE PLANK!" Ame yelled in a pirate accent grabbing the chair. She ran out of the shop and into the main hallway of the mall. She took off in a run and careened down the glossy stretch of polished floor, pushing the chair all the way. The woman gave off a look of horror as Ame let go and sent her flying into the shared dumpster of The Pet Emporium and Uncle Bob's Fish Frenzy Market.

Ame clapped her hands together to wipe the non-existent dust from them. She then turned her back and strolled peacefully back into Anime Paradise not bothering to look back at the woman emerging from the dumpster. Nor did she bother to notice the people laughing at the fish bones and used cat litter that clung to the woman's clothing and hair.

"Such a shame, that's the sixth chair I've lost this month to those crusaders." Mr. Vlad muttered walking back into his office. **6**

After Ame sold the boys their UN-CUT DVDs, she retreated to the staff lounge for lunch. Upon opening the brown bag she discovered a ramen cup and some pocky wrapped in tin foil as well as some carbonated beverages.

"I want ramen. But I don't have a plate. If I cook the ramen without a plate then Mr. Vampire will murder me." She mumbled to herself while filling the cup with water. "WAIT! I'LL PUT IT ON THE TIN FOIL!"Ame flattened the tin foil out to a smooth surface and then placed the ramen on it. She turned the microwave to three minutes and started to sit down until…

"**SALEM!**"

Ame slammed though the joining door between her boss's office and the lounge.

"You bellowed Ma'm?" She asked.

"YES! Wait.. I mean no… Oh FORGET IT! I heard the microwave start up. THERE HAD BETTER BE A PLATE THIS TIME!" He growled.

"Yup! I made it myself." She stated proudly.

"Yourself? Out of what?" Mr. Vlad asked as Ame walked back out into the main store.

"Tin foil." She replied nonchalantly.

"Oh, why didn't I think of that." Mr. Vlad asked to no one. The clock on the wall clicked merrily on it's way not hindered by the though process of the vampire supervisor sitting upon a wooden stool. His brain whirled away not unlike the cogs in the clock. Something wasn't right. He relived the conversation in his head.

"_YES! Wait.. I mean no… Oh FORGET IT! I heard the microwave start up. THERE HAD BETTER BE A PLATE THIS TIME!"_

"_Yup! I made it myself." _

"_Yourself? Out of what?"_

"_Tin foil."_

Why did that keep coming back up? It's like there was something that his subconscious was desperately trying to draw attention towards.

"_Yup! I made it myself." _

"_Yourself? Out of what?" _

"_Tin foil."_

What was it?

"_Yourself? Out of what?" _

"_Tin foil."_

And what was that burning smell? Mr. Vlad stared at the clock. It was nearly two o'clock in the afternoon. Nothing had gone very wrong yet. When Ame was working alone, that was abnormal. Something had to go wrong. And yet all they had had was a crusader.

"_Tin foil."_

What was that burning smell? Wait a second… Metal + Microwave Fire. Oh it was just a fire.

"**A FIRE!"** He screeched.

Within twenty minutes the microwave had been extinguished, Mr. Vlad had called his psychiatrist, and Ame was saying goodbye to the firemen. Just like normal.

"By Riko, Bye Kento, By Ryo, Bye Sasuko, Bye Kashino, Bye Mako!" Ame waved happily at them

"Bye Ame!" The firefighters returned.

"See you next week!" Another one called with a smirk. Sadly it was more reality then joke.

"Bye Taka!" Ame yelled returning the smile. She watched the firefighters leave before strolling back towards the main road with her scooter in hand. Mr. Vlad gave her the rest of the day off, due to his psychiatrist's advice. She hopped back onto her scooter and began to head towards home. She passed various stores that were on the Main Street and contemplated stopping in the thrift store, but she decided she didn't need any new clothing anyway. So she continued letting the wind knot her hair up.

The sun's heated rays quickly spread a slight burning sensation through her exposed skin. It didn't hurt but rather gave a satisfying warming sensation that seemed to calm her. You lost track of the world and began dreaming of everything that could be. She was so lost, in fact, that she didn't see when a girl stepped right in her path. She took one look at Ame's leather boots and scoffed. Ame swerved to the right straight into the plastic siding of a little shop. Her head hit with a loud thump and her vision spun.

"NERK…" she moaned in pain.

"SHUT UP! YOU DISERVE IT! I hope you know a ANIMAL was MURDERED for those BOOTS!" The girl half yelled in disgust. Ame stared at her, blinking. She could feel the sticky wet sensation of blood.

"Let me see if I got this right. You purposely stepped into my scooter path, when you could see I wasn't paying attention, sent me into a crash course with a store's wall and then you said that I disserved to be injured, on the behalf of a cow that was already dead, and rather then dieing for only one purpose and wasting the rest of his or her body that the ENTIRE thing was put to a use?"

"That's right." The girl huffed, crossing her arms.

"I admire that."

"You do?" The girl question very taken aback.

"Yup, Twas very courageous of you." Ame said getting up from the ground and brushing herself off. On the window ledge of the store there was a large blot of blood. Ame raised her hand to the right side of her forehead. Pulling it away she could see the same metallic tasting liquid on her figures. "Obviously you aren't some fair weather animal-rights activist." She added lowering her head allowing a curtain of hair to cover her face.

"Well.. Um… Thank you." The girl replied with a smile.

"However, I wasn't aware there were any witnesses. I'll have to kill you now too." Ame finished, her head snapping back up. The blood had left a trail upon her face that dripped around her right eye and down her chin. Her eyes held a maniacal gleam that was not unlike that of a cat before it killed a mouse. Her pupils had shrunk to near slits and her grin was wide and terrifying. _7_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The girl screamed before taking off down the street at speeds previously unheard of be anyone except Olympic runners.

Ame stood there for a second, and then she chuckled to herself. Slowly grabbing her scooter she muttered to herself. "Maybe Mrs. Laverne was right, I should have been an actor."

The last part of the ride was uneventful. Ame was able to return home without much incident. Upon returning to her house she realized that she had locked herself out. Again.

"WHAT THE CRAP? THAT'S THE SIXTH TIME THIS MONTH!" She yelled desperately pulling on her door. Her mother refused to leave a key under the mat because a criminal would get in. She was very paranoid about that. In fact every time Ame had broken into the house her mother had fixed the area. All the doors had new locks and deadbolts. The windows also had new locks. There was a bugler alarm that covered the entire house. The porch door had another metal plated door that came down from the inside. Not to mention the trained attack cat and her ever-watchful American neighbor on the other side of her house, Mrs. Laverne.

Ame then took a look at the banisters on the porch. Then she saw the open window in her room. Next, she saw the porch's roof that ran right under her window. Ame smirked and sprinted to the banister. She quickly attempted to scale it only to find herself sliding down time and time again. So then her plan changed to getting a ladder from the closed garage. She ran over there and peered in the window. She knew all she had to do was break the glass and pull the emergency door lift cord. Unfortunately, her mother had beaten her to it and clipped the cord so no one could reach it from the garage window.

She then decided to climb up onto the railing and pull herself up using the gutters. Running back to the porch she started to pant. Maybe she shouldn't run next time. Ame climbed onto the railing and gripped the gutters. Upon letting go of the railing with her feet she remembered that she had never been able to do even on pull up. Ame swung herself back onto the pouch and growled. The she had another idea. She could stand on the trashcans! The she would be able to grip the roof well enough to pull herself up. Piling the trashcans on top of each other she stood on the rickety stack. Carefully balancing herself she reached out to grab the gutters…

And then the trashcans fell knocking over the porch railing.

Ame desperately clung onto the slippery moss covered rooftop. She was to far up to swing back onto the porch, and to far down to pull herself onto the roof.

"Crap!" She muttered.

This is how the police found her.

"I'll never understand why you just don't make a copy of the house keys and give them to me," Mrs. Laverne stated while pouring some tea. Ame took a sip and allowed the hot liquid to trickle blithely down her throat.

"Mom's too paranoid that YOU might get robbed and then they would get the keys." Ame responded. Mrs. Laverne laughed.

"I was a biker chick back in my days in Toledo. I could out run, out trick, and out gun anyone who dared to cross me. I'm not defenseless yet. They used to call me the "widow-maker" with no thought to the fact that I was a widow myself." She replied happily as if she was strolling down memory lane.

"What happened?"

"Oh… My husband was a fighter pilot towards the end of World War II. He was gunned down by a Japanese fighter pilot barely a few days before VJ day."

Ame sit out her tea. "WHAT? And you're living in Japan getting along so well with all of us?"

Laverne turned to Ame and smiled. "We'll it's not like you killed him. I refuse to be one of the petty few that hold a grudge about something that happened sixty something odd years ago. War heroes and soldiers alike are people. They think like humans and act like humans. When it comes down to it I don't blame the man. It was either him or my husband. If I had been in the plane and not having known the other pilot I would have done the same thing."

Ame and Mrs. Laverine finished up their conversation and Ame went back home once her father arrived with the keys. She retreated back upstairs to her room and grabbed her game headset. Once again she returned to 'The World'.

* * *

Re: I will get YOU! 

_I WILL GET YOU FOR THAT IF IT'S THE LAST THING IT DO! JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED. –Stagmar_

Re: ♪YEAH TOAST!♫ –Crimsoncat

* * *

Re: Big newz 

_Oi! CC! I herd 'bout zome veird 'ontest 'n Mac Anu today. Meet me on zee main zeet az zoon az yoo can. –Blankphantom_

Re: LOBBERS! —Crimsoncat

* * *

Ame arrived in Mac Anu city. There were large groups of people talking about different things. It was very odd to see so many couples. As she strolled along to find her contact she managed to catch a certain conversation of interest. 

"I heard that there's gonna be some sort of prize! Somethin' really cool!" One excited heavy blade girl whispered hurriedly.

"Yah! I h3ard Blackfireblast is s0m3 h0t sh0t n3w c0nt3st admin. I h3ar it will b3 way sw33t!" A twin blade boy responded.

"Even Balmung is comin', so it must be good!"

"CC! Vhere vere yoo?" A voice called from her right. Crimsoncat turned to see her comrade in arms Blankphantom leaning against a wall. He was had glossy black hair with jagged bangs. The rest was tied back in a long braid. His left eye was covered with a leather eye patch. The visible eye was bright sea foam green. Across his nose was a bandage. He wore chartreuse colored vest with black trimming. His pants were fairly baggy and a forest green color.

"YEAH! IT'S TOASTY GHOSTY!" Crimsoncat cried leaping into his arms. "You miss me?"

A tic mark appeared on Blankphantom's head and his left eye twitched. He dropped her to the ground. Crimsoncat looked up to him and grinned like a cat. She had met him on a job about a year ago. Blankphantom was also a mercenary for hire up on 'The World'. They had both been called in to go on a dungeon adventure with some little newbie who got a crap load of money out of an illegal lottery. Then again neither Crimsoncat nor Blankphantom were all that interested in legality, just in cash.

"My name iz NOT "Toazty Ghozty". It iz BLANKPHANTOM! Juzt because I like bread 'n phantom iz a zynonym for ghozt doez not meen zat iz my name!"

"So why did you call me here?"

Blankphantom crossed his arms and glared at her. Crimsoncat knew that he was going to ask her to do a favor for him. She also knew if she didn't he would blackmail her. Not that it mattered. She would so it for free if it was interesting.

"Zer iz zhis 'ontest. Hovewer, yoo need two players to 'articipate. Zerefore, I called yoo."

"So what's the contest?"

"I doo not know."

A sudden hush fell over the crowd as Balmung and some wave master girl appeared on stage. She looked like a ten year-old kid carrying a rosewood staff. On the top of it was a small glass orbwith a live flame burning inside of it.She was wearing a long black skirt and a form fitting black top with a little maroon fireball crest on it. Her boots were leather knee high and wine-colored. The fluffy orange hair she had was lifted up into two large pigtails and held by black ribbons. Her eyes were a brownish-maroon and she had two slightly curved, burgundy, upside-down, triangles that came down from the bottom of her eyes.

"Adminiztatorz alwayz get vat they vant." Blankphatom muttered tersely.

"Ladies and gentlemen. I would like you to meet our new contest administrator Blackfireblast. She will be assisting me in creating contests for your enjoyment. I expect you all to treat her with the same respect that you treat me and—"

"OMG BALMUNG! I LUV U!" Some random teeniebopper Balmung groupie shouted. She jumped up on the stage and latched herself onto Balmung's leg like a leech. Incidentally, she got the same kind of reaction from Balmung. that is to say, he treated her like a leech.

"Get off!" He stated gruffly. Blackfireblast expertly twirled rosewood staff and then aimed theorb covered tipat the girl.

"Hold still Balmung. FIRE TORRENT!" She yelled. The groupie was sent flying, in a swirling blaze of doom, straight across the crowd. She landed, still smoldering, upon the rest of the Balmung fangirls. They all ran screaming from the area trying desperately to put out the fire.

"I like her!" Crimsoncat exclaimed happily. Blankphantom shot her an exasperated look.

"Yoo vould." He sighed.

"Sorry for the delay folks! Just had ta git rid of some trash! So who all is ready ta start the contest!" She called out in an American accent.

The remaining crowd let off a roar of sound in response. Crimsoncat and Blankphantom among them. Blackfireblast smiled happily and looked over the crowd.

"Well all. This'll be a three-stage contest. The first part of the contest will be for you all ta answer my riddles. I have enough for each set of partners and no more. Every one of these is different and I know the answers to them all. Only your partner can help you. If I catch you cheatin' I'll kick you out, end of story. The first twenty pairs ta solve my riddle will be in the next stage. You only get one chance so think wisely. When you're done come up here on the stage, hand me your riddle, and tell me the answer. Here are your riddles."

With a collective 'POP' paper sheets appeared in one person from every pair's hands. Crimsoncat and Blankphantom peered at theirs. It read:

_What does mankind love more than life,  
Fear more than death or mortal strife?  
What the poor have that the rich require?  
And what contented man's desire?  
What the saver spends and the spender saves  
And all people carry to their graves?_

"Monkey pudding." Crimsoncat stated scratching her head.

"Thiz iz ridiculaz! Vat iz thiz babbling about? It makez no zenze." Blankphantom declared backhanding the paper. "Vat kind of zawer zpendz? And vat zpender zawez?"

"A very bad one I'd suppose." Crimsoncat added. "I mean, come on. The poor have nothing that the rich require! And how the hell are we supposed to know what mankind fears or what "contented his desires" It's stupid."

"Ja." Blankphantom returned. Sixteen people had already solved their riddles. They waited tolerantly up on the stage next to Balmung and Blackfireblast. There had been others who tried to bluff but about forty people had already been expelled for answering wrong. "It makez no zen— Vait a zecond. CC. Vat did yoo juzt zay?"

"I said that it's stupid." She answered.

"No, before zat. About ze rich and ze 'oor."

"Oh, I said that the poor have nothing the rich require."

"ZAT'Z IT! **Nothing**! **Nothing iz ze anvzer**. Come on!" Blankphantom exclaimed grabbing Crimsoncat's arm and dragging her though the crowd. They arrived on the stage right behind four other pairs. Crimsoncat chewed her nails. If all these people were right then they would be in trouble. Blackfireblast took the sheet of paper from the next people in line. She read off the riddles and the people responded.

"_I am green and brown,  
Yellow and red,  
I drink from my feet,  
And wave with my head,  
I awaken in heat,  
And sleep in the cold,  
yet what I fear most,  
is bugs, fungus, and mold._

What am I?" She asked.

"A deciduous tree." The girl responded

"Correct. You may proceed. Next pair."

Crimsoncat began to worry. Now that they had solved their riddle she REALLY wanted to get to the next stage.

"_Two words, my answer is, And only two.  
To keep me, You must give me._

What am I?"

"Your word." A boy replied.

"Correct. You may proceed. Next pair." Blackfireblast responded.

As the next pair stepped up and Crimsoncat nearly shot herself on the spot. It was PrettyNpink and some random brainy guy that looked like he was totally out of it. Crimsoncat's best guess was that PrettyNpink had entered the contest to get revenge. This thought was only aided when PrettyNpink turned around and made an ugly face at Crimsoncat. She growled and tried not to leap over there and strangle PrettyNpink.

"_I know a word of letters three.  
Add two, and fewer there will be._

What is the word?"

PrettyNpink kicked the boy next to her. He came out of his state of ecstasy and looked at her. She smiled menacingly at him and he turned to Blackfireblast.

"Few." He answered.

"Correct. You may proceed. Next pair."

It was judgment time. Either the next people got theirs right or She and Blankphantom got in."

"_He who makes it, has no need of it.  
He who buys it, has no use for it.  
He who uses it can neither see nor feel it._

What is it?"

"A fruitcake." Some boy responded.

"Wrong. The answer is a coffin. Hit the road." Blackfireblast stated giving him the 'you're-outta-here' sign. Both he and his partner left with a dejected look upon their faces. Crimsoncat and Blankphantom stepped up.

"Your sheet please." Blackfireblast requested holding out her hand. Blankphantom handed her the sheet, while Crimsoncat gulped.

"_What does mankind love more than life,  
Fear more than death or mortal strife?  
What the poor have that the rich require?  
And what contented man's desire?  
What the saver spends and the spender saves  
And all people carry to their graves?_"

"Nothing." They responded together.

"Correct! You're the last ones. Go stand over by Balmung." She told them. Crimsoncat let out the breath she wasn't even aware she was holding. She and Blankphantom both walked over to where the other contestants were standing.

"Hey Toasty Ghosty?"

"My name iz Blankphantom. And Ja, CC?"

"See that girl wearing pole dancer pink clothes?"

"Ze one zat lookz like a cheap vhor—"

"Yeap, Care to join me in making rude gestures at her?"

"Of courze."

And so the rude gestures were made and PrettyNpink looked slightly upset. After a bit of announcing that the contestants had been found but the remain people could watch the contest unfold on some magical TV monitors, both Balmung and Blackfireblast returned.

"Come on you all. Ta the next place for the contest." Blackfireblast commanded merrily marching towards wherever. The group followed her. Crimsoncat was walking next to Balmung when she decided it was too quiet.

"So, 'sup Ballman?" She asked. Blankphantom, who had over heard, burst out laughing. Balmung gave Crimsoncat a shocked look.

"My name is BALMUNG, not Ballman. And to answer your question, nothing I care to tell you, hacker."

"Don't be silly Ballman." She replied. "There's got to be something."

"MY NAME IS BALMUNG!"

"Ballman."

"BALMUNG!"

"Ballman!"

"BALMUNG!"

"I say it's Ballman!"

"AND I AM TELLING YOU IT IS BALMUNG!"

"I don't know. I like Ballman better actually." Blackfireblast responded without looking behind her.

"Do not start with me Blackfireblast."

"Alright alright. We're here anyways." She said pointing to a tavern. Everyone walked inside only to see a polished marble floor and a bar in the corner. It was a dance hall.

"Intrezting." Blankphantom exclaimed.

"The next contest is a Simon Says tournament!" Blackfireblast exclaimed excitedly. "The rules are simple. If Simon says do something then you do it. If he doesn't say it then don't. Last three pairs standing advance to the next round. Both people in the pair have ta be out before they are considered out. You have three seconds to start the next correct action after it is said.Anyway… Balmung and I will be judges of who's out and who's in. Ready? Simon says: HOP!"

Immediately everyone began hopping.

"On one leg."

Only one girl switched to one leg. Balmung pulled her out.

"Simon says: Hop on one leg."

Everyone hopped on one leg now. However, one boy fell over. He was pulled out as well.

"Simon says: SPIN IN CIRCLES!"

The spinning started immediately. People spun left and right bumping into one another. Rather then tell them the next order Blackfireblast let it go for a while. People were dropping like flies left and right.

"STOP!"

Two people stopped and were out of the game. By this time that brought the total of people out up to thirteen. However, only four pairs had both people out. That still left pairs six in the running.

"Simon says: Stop!"

All the people left stopped. Most looked fairly ill. It was then that Blankphantom fell down. He was moved to the side of the game.

"Sorry, CC." He called.

"That's ok." She returned.

"Simon says: Prance like a butterfly!"

Everyone pranced like a butterfly and lost most of their self-esteem in the process, with the exception of Crimsoncat who pranced on a regular basis. Some more people grew tired and had to stop. That left only five people in, each of which was from a different pair.

"Simon says: DANCE!"

PrettyNpinksmirked happily and began to dance in a fairly provocative manner that will not be described for the sake of the children. However, Crimsoncat was not excited at all.

"Dance? I CAN'T DANCE WITHOUT ARROWS!" She exclaimed. Everyone gave her a collective look of disbelief. **8**

"Three"

Crimsoncat desperately tried to move but without a clear way to tell what to do she stood stone still.

"Two"

"CC! LOOK OWER HERE!" Blankphantom called. He was holding up a card with a picture of an arrow. Crimsoncat beamed and moved with the turning of the card. It was as close to the arrows she relied on as she could get. When the last two people collapsed from exhaustion Crimsoncat, PrettyNpink and some other random person were left standing. However, their dancing skills didn't impress the judges all that much.

"Remind me ta **NEVER** do an online dance contest** EVER** again. That was just scary. That wasn't dancing, it was people suffering." Blackfireblast declared in horror.

"And I thought **I** was a bad dancer." Balmung added.

"So what's the next part?" The other person asked.

"Oh yes! This will be so much fun. We're going ta have a MUD SLIDING CONTEST." Blackfireblast yelled excitedly. Crimsoncat's eyes widened in exhilaration.

"YES!" She cried pumping her fist in the air. She yelled so loudly that people covered their ears and grimaced.

"Never do that again." Balmung commanded.

"Okieday Ballman."

"BALMUNG!"

The last three pairs in the competition arrived at one of Mac Anu's canals. There had been a pile of dirt spread out all over the street and water was being used to turn it into mud. Huge yellow poles were used to mark how far people got. A large group of people was gathered on a nearby bridge.

"The rules are fairly simple, the team who can slide the farthest wins. Who wants to go first?"

"We will." One of the other contestants said. She and her partner took a running start and slide half way to the first marker.

"Ew. iM nOt DoInG tHaT!" PrettyNpink yelled.

"You have to or you forfeit." Balmung stated.

"And lose." Crimsoncat pointed out. PrettyNpink seemed to think this over. Then she dragged her partner over to the mud line and slid to the first marker. She then got up and screamed about how her out fit was ruined. Apparently she didn't like to lose to people who hated her.

"Ready?" Blankphantom questioned.

"Ready!" Crimsoncat replied. They linked arms and backed up. They then took a running start and slid down the street like a squirrel down a, 45 degree angle, metal, birdfeeder roof, in the middle of and icy winter. **9** They ended up somewhere around the fourth marker.

"WOOT! LET'S GO AGAIN!" Yelled a mud covered Crimsoncat. Blankphantom just stared at her and then threw a mud ball in her face. Crimsoncat blinked, wiped it off and threw one back at him. Then they grinned at each other maniacally and began throwing mud balls at PrettyNpink. She tore off screaming down the street followed by two psychotic mud-throwing fiends.

They only stopped to go back and get their prize.

"So, vat did ve vin?" Blankphantom asked.

"WHAT DIDJA GET TOASTY GHOSTY AND ME, BALLMAN?" Crimsoncat exclaimed dancing around like a lunatic.

"**THAT ISN'T (IZN'T) MY NAME!**" Balmung and Blankphantom bellowed simultaneously.

"Sensitive much? Anyway, here is your prize." Blackfireblast replied, handing both Crimsoncat and Blankphantom a red gem. The gem was shaped like a fireball and had a blood red inner core with a maroon colored outer edging.

"Vat does it do? Blankphantom asked.

"It glows in the dark!" She returned, blissfully.

"That iz ve dumbest thing I hawe ewer heard! Vho vould vant zomething like that!"

"_OOOOOOH!_ GLOW-IN-THE-DARKISH!" Crimsoncat fawned, turning the gem this way and that.

Blankphantom slapped his forehead and dragged his hand down his face.

"Only yoo Crimzoncat." He muttered.

After a bit more admiring, Ame logged out and turned off her computer. The stars were already high up in the sky and it was well past dinner. She schalumped across the floor of her room in a sleepy state. **10** Her stomach growled furiously at her until she retrieved a glass of milk and some cheese from the refrigerator. After eating those she changed into pajamas and flopped down her bed in a totally ungraceful manner.

Though the open window a cool night breeze swept though her room. Upon the night's wind she could here the happy voice of Mary Sue and her perfect rich handsome husband talking about their day and their adventures.

She should have been jealous. She really should have. Any other girl in the world would be. Then again she had a reason. Ame rolled over and closed her eyes. She smiled when the world's simplest fact that sprang into her head. Nobody is perfect; everyone has his or her own flaws. Isn't that a great thing? After all if everyone were perfect then the world would be rather dull and predictable.

Nobody is perfect.

And that's what makes life worth living.

**

* * *

**

**1** FEAR MY BLATANT ADVERTISEMENTS! Yeah… It's another story I wrote. It's a Reader-insert and not allowed on if you want to read it then contact me or something.

**2** YEAH! SON GOKU! Saiyuki owns, end of story.

**4** Following a system of numbers is for conformists! Anyway time for a history lesson kids! Vlad the Impaler was the real life person who Dracula was based off of.

**4½** If you've ever heard someone laugh like that then you know what I mean. If you haven't then you should pay somebody to try. It's worth every bit of cash.

**5** YEAH CATTLE PRODS!

**6** Anyone notice that everything is 6? Just making sure you're paying attention

**7** I'm all for animal rights, don't get me wrong. I just don't believe in people getting hurt over it. You make a more effective point when no one is bleeding. Incidentally I believe the same thing about war. Then I go and watch Hellsing and play violent video games. Yeah, I'm a bad pacifist.

**8** Only people who play DDR will get this.

**9** And for those of you who have never seen a squirrel slide down a, 45-degree angle, metal, birdfeeder roof, in the middle of and icy winter, it's pretty damn fast.

**10** To make a long story short, last year our flag advisor for my marching band came around to inform our majorettes and flags that they were not allowed to "Schalump". We have no idea what it means, but apparently no one is allowed to do it. This of course is with the exception of the Trombone line. (Cause we're so cool) We are permitted to "Schalump" until our backs fall in, as stated by our beloved section leader of 2003-2004, J.R.


End file.
